I Love To Annoy My Wife

by Pamela Brunell

I absolutely love to annoy my wife
to really bug her 
I’m quite diabolical at times 

I leave windows open at night 
the doors bang and wake her up 
the mosquitoes buzz in her ear 

The cat jumps on our bed 
and meows in the dark 
this really irritates her 

I exhale loud grunting snores 
while she lies silently seething 
I bounce all over the bed 
while she seeks a quick snooze 

I provoke her slumber 
I shake her awake with a helpless need I
turn on the lights when she’s deep asleep 

I lose my glasses all day to bug her I lose
everything— hats, sunglasses, car keys I
forget everything she tells me 
I scribble notes in her address book 

I ask her for phone numbers 
She saves contacts for me 
But I can’t find anything on my phone 

I leave empty glasses and bowls in the
fridge I spill milk on the shelves 
I forget to flush the toilet 
I pee on the toilet seat— sometimes 

I eat like a slurping pig 
I make loud slobbering sounds 
I spill food all over myself 
I load my plate with 
piles of food

I love to scrape the plate 
screeching scratching 
for every last morsel 
Just to irritate her 

I make up stories to scare her 
I forget to take the kids to school
I purposely ignore her 
when she’s sharing something important 

I moo with the cows and I talk to the
cats I argue about stupid things 
She thinks I plot and plan  
every second of the day 

I love to be the chaos in her life.